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SUPER DUPER TOTALLY UNBIASED B1G FOOTBALL COACHES POWER RANKINGS

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You wouldn’t believe who we put at #1.

NCAA Football: Big Ten Football Media Day Patrick Gorski-USA TODAY Sports

It’s the offseason. It’s summer. I’m bored. You’re bored. Your kids are making your house a mess as you count down the days until you can ship them back to school (or maybe they’re already back at school because it starts super duper early now, but you don’t want to clean up the house yet). So why don’t we take this time to look at who are the best coaches in the Big Ten?

Now of course, since I am a respected uber-blog-o-journalist, I am using a fair and balanced way to rank these coaches. How am I doing that? Well with the best damn algorithm, believe me! No other place will give you a better, and of course UNBIASED, ranking of the B1Ggest bestests coaches.

Now some soft-minded ignorant swine believe that we should save the best for last, but I disagree. Only communists save the best for last, and that’s why they lost. Let’s dive right in to the best coach in the B1G using my UNBIASED METHODS:

#1: JEFF BROHM, THE PURDUE UNIVERSITY

Is there any other choice, really? Granted, his chair throwing abilities could use some improvements, but he is CLEARLY THE BEST COACH IN THE BIG TEN. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR “FACTS” THAT HE HASN’T WON THE DIVISION YET. Any man that can promise a trip to the Rose Bowl just so I can see a Purdue game this year is a legend (and leader) in my book.

#2: Paul Chryst, Wisconsin

I don’t like Wisconsin. Their fans are annoying, they’re always beating up Purdue. But for some reason, I can’t find a reason to hate Chryst. He just seems like a good dude who I would love to have a beer with.

#3: Mark Dantonio, A Michigan State of Mind

I would put him lower, but I’m afraid he’ll actually see this post (for some reason), think I’m being serious, and use that #DISRESPKT to motivate his players when Purdue visits East Lansing. Soooo...

#4: Pat Fitzgerald, NW

I mean, I guess he’s cool.

#5: James Franklin, A Pennsylvania State of Mind

Is he really that good if the only team they’ve beaten was Akron?

#6: Jimmothy Harbaugh, Big House, Big Pants, Big Ten

What happened to Jimmothy? He came in to Michigan being all tough, preaching about hard work, no gimmicks, and still being quirky. Now he brags about wearing $128 khakis, complains about a little heat, obsessed with Air Jordan and Nike, and is still winless against Ohio State. I know there’s no Wal-Mart’s in Ann Arbor, but perhaps it’s time for him to switch to Meijer brand khakis.

#7: Scott Frost, Children of the Corn

What’s the difference between Frost and Joe Tiller? Tiller actually beat Nick Saban in real football games.

#8: Chris Ash, Stuck in a Rut-gers

Also want to rank Ash lower, because you know, Rutgers. But then I remember Purdue lost to Rutgers. Blame Travis.

#9: Kirk Ferentz, Our Most Hated Rivals

All the hate, none of the love. I’m sure once his contract is up for renewal, Kirk will be a decent coach for a season.

#10: PJ Fleck, Minnesooohta

Row, row, row your boat, gently off a waterfall...screw Minnesota for tearing Hummel’s ACL both times. Still not over it.

#11: Lovie Smith, You-Make-Me, I-L-L!

Some of you know that I am a Packers fan, so I already don’t like him (he was the best coach the Bears had in recent years, but their front office has made some bad decisions lately). Luckily, 5 wins over 2 seasons makes this choice easy. But hey, he could surpass Hazell in wins if they let him stay for a 4th season! If that happens, we’ll make sure to say a prayer for our Illini friend, Paul Banks.

#12: Tom Allen, That School in Bloomington (TSiB)

Because IU still sucks.

#13 and #14: Urban Meyer and DJ Durkin, those schools

Yeah...I’m not gonna touch this...