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Drew Brees is So Good He Found a Horcrux

One down, six to go.

Wisconsin v Purdue Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

As we know, last night Drew Brees became the greatest passer in NFL history. I had the joy of watching all 18 of his Ross-Ade Stadium starts from the student section and if he can take Purdue to a Rose bowl (something that has happened once in the last 50 years) anything can happen. In fact, he knows this.

That is why he is helping Purdue basketball return to a Final Four.

We’re currently at 38 years and counting since Purdue last appeared in college basketball’s premier event. That year we were a 6 seed that barely snuck into the 48 team field. In that time we have been a No. 1 seed three times, a No. 2 seed three more times, and a No. 3 seed four more times. Despite those lofty expectations we’re sitting at zero Final Fours and two Elite Eights (one as a 6 seed). We’ve had runs derailed by injury, running into the “hot” team, the eventual champs, storied programs, us having the dreaded “bad” game, and complete collapses. After this past season I was convinced. We’re cursed.

That’s where Drew Brees comes in. when he isn’t busy dissecting NFL defenses on a microscopic level (seriously? A 77.9% completion percentage?) he is also an expert in Horcruxes. He knows there are seven of them, and they all must be returned to Mackey Arena before the hex can be broken.

John Wooden’s Game used Jersey – This was the first step. It makes sense because Wooden was the National player of the Year on Purdue’s only championship team. He later won 10 titles in 12 years as a coach at UCLA when Purdue just missed out on bringing him home. If this isn’t a horcrux they don’t exist.

Gene Keady’s Combover – Gene is in his mid-80s now and no longer sports the combover. He knew it was cursed. Why else do you think he won six Big Ten titles in 25 years and never reached a Final Four? The clippings must be found from when he cut it and be burned. Better throw in some black hair dye as well.

Robbie Hummel’s Original ACL – Rob himself was great. This bastard of an ACL giving out on a routine move on the Demon Wood of Xibalba at the Barn is evil. It was last seen in the presence of Dr. Dave Shelbourne.

The original football from the Fumble – Yes, it is football-related, but Ross-Ade Stadium is across the street. It had enough concentrated evil to wreck the football program for more than a decade and it probably carried over to Mackey because Keady didn’t exactly have a strong final five years. This is probably in an equipment room somewhere with the evil spilling over to cause Haas’ elbow this spring.

Rick Mount’s basketball goal in Lebanon’s Memorial Park – Mount nearly took Purdue to a title in 1969 and that team had its own injury issues going into the final against UCLA. This goal honed that sweet jumper. It must be magical.

The bed that Caused Glenn Robinson’s back injury – The Big Dog was the National Player of the Year and completely unstoppable in 1994… until tweaking his back before facing Duke in the Elite Eight. Urban legend is that he did it messing around with teammates after destroying Kansas in the Sweet 16. Since this happened in Knoxville the only solution may be to burn the city to the ground.

Jaraan Cornell’s Shoes from the 2000 Elite Eight Game – Cornell left Purdue having made 242 three-pointers. It was the record until E’Twaune Moore, then Dakota Mathias broke it. He was 242 of 656 in his career and no one has shot more triples than him in a Purdue uniform. Cornell was 1 of 7 against Wisconsin in that Elite Eight game and had only 3 points after scoring 18 in the Sweet 16 against Gonzaga. If he plays like normal, Keady has his Final Four.

If there is a secret eighth horcrux it would be Dominik Heinzl, the 6’7” Cal State Fullerton forward who averaged a piddling 2.4 points and 1.7 rebounds per game, but pulled Isaac Haas to the floor and shattered his elbow. We leave him off because we don’t advocate human sacrifice (okay, so I want to burn an entire city to the ground. We’ll warn everyone.), but check back with us when we get the other horcruxes if that doesn’t break the hex.