HARBAUGH DISPLEASED WITH LACK OF LIVE DAIRY COW IN VISITING LOCKER ROOM

Following his tirade against Purdue’s facilities yesterday, James Joseph Harbaugh was irate with Purdue’s response, which mention that Michigan knew about the facilities at Ross-Ade but failed to make any special requests like every other team. With this new revelation and people starting to turn on Michigan, he had to turn the attention back towards Purdue and their lack of basic necessities for visiting teams.

After his daily 10-mile sprint this morning, Jimmothy yelled to the press:

I FIND IT EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTING AND DISRESPECTFUL THAT PURDUE FAILED TO PROVIDE A LIVE DAIRY COW IN OUR LOCKER ROOM ON SATURDAY SO THAT WE CAN HAVE FRESH WHOLE MILK. IT SEEMS TO BE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT OF GAMESMANSHIP TO NOT PROVIDE SUCH A BASIC NEED, JUST SO THEY CAN GET AN ADVANTAGE OVER THE OPPONENT.

ALL THAT WAS PROVIDED WERE TWO GALLONS OF CANDY-ASS SKIM MILK. SOME OF OUR PLAYERS HAD TO SIT ON OUR BUSES WITH BUILT IN WHOLE MILK DISPENSERS IN ORDER TO REFRESH. IT’S BECOME APPARENT AFTER GOING AROUND TO ALL THE VISITING SCHOOLS IN THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS THAT THIS IS A CONSCIOUS EFFORT OF GAMESMANSHIP. IT IS UNSPORTSMANLIKE WHEN YOU HAVE LOCKER ROOMS THAT DO NOT SERVE WHOLE MILK, LET ALONE 2%. PEOPLE ARE WALKING BY AND WATCHING YOU SIP ON SKIM MILK. IT’S EMBARRASSING.

IT MAY BE LEAGUE-WIDE, BUT I AM SPECIFICALLY CALLING OUT PURDUE BECAUSE THEY MADE ME MAD. IT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED BY THE LEAGUE, NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED BY THE COMMISSIONER AND WE’RE GOING TO LEAD THE WAY. WE’RE GOING TO LOOK AT WHAT WE HAVE, BUT THERE NEEDS TO BE A WAY FOR A PLAYER TO GET WHOLE MILK IN THE STADIUM. THERE HAS TO BE A MINIMUM STANDARD OF CARE FOR THE PLAYERS.

WOW. That is shocking. I can’t believe that Purdue would fail in providing such a basic necessity. It’s even more shocking given that Purdue’s agriculture program is ONE OF THE BEST IN THE NATION.

Surely, they had a cow on campus that could do the job at the last minute, right? They’re not even that expensive and easy to maintain. Even if it’s only used a half dozen times each year, it’s still good to have.

Is it fair to blame Burke? It might be, as he could have easily purchased a dairy cow years ago and we would have never had this fiasco. After all, if Purdue can have whole milk in their locker room, why can’t our visitors?

Purdue Athletics had an immediate response:

To help teams prepare in advance, our visiting team manual highlights in bold type "there is no live dairy cow or whole milk in the (visiting) locker room," with accompanying Purdue Agriculture staff contact information about how to request preferred temporary dairy accommodations. We did not receive any such request.

Whole milk is available within our athletic footprint and more-sophisticated dairy products are located two blocks away, similar to the arrangements at many other schools. Our animal science staff members, in fact, have received numerous compliments from their Michigan counterparts regarding the dairy products they received at Purdue.

Additionally, since 2004, Purdue has defeated Ohio State three times, while Michigan has only beaten the Buckeyes once in the same time span.

This post was obviously satire, but I’m required to state that so I don’t get fined.