I am writing you today because we have a giant problem in our conference. By giant, I am of course speaking of Purdue’s genetic freak, Isaac Haas.
On Sunday, December 3, 2017 my scrappy group of under achievers was forced to compete against The Giant in Mackey Arena. It was clear from the opening tip that we were at an insurmountable competitive disadvantage and had no reasonable recourse in dealing The Giant.
I contacted my mentor, Coach K (you guys have heard of Coach K before I’m sure. Did you know I worked for him for a long time? He takes 2 creams and a sugar in his coffee and enjoys a gentle neck rub after every game as long as I have properly manicured finger nails) and he said, “when in doubt, flop it out,” but alas, even when flopping to the best of our ability, we were unable to control the rampaging Giant.
You may ask why we decided not to double team The Giant and make him pass the ball instead of letting him slowly back down the brave 6’8, 235 Dererk Pardon?
It’s simple, before the game, Mr. Pardon offered himself as a sacrifice to The Giant. The rest of our players wanted nothing to do with the hulking behemoth, but Dererk Pardon was a true Wildcat and offered to go it alone.
Sadly, Dererk did not survive his encounter with The Giant. In the waning moments of the contest, Mr. Pardon was employing his “dry hump and forearm in the lower back” post defense technique when The Giant intentionally landed a boulder sized elbow to Dererk’s jaw. Upon impact, Dererk’s head imploded as if he had been struck with a sledge hammer. Our medical staff frantically attempted to save Derek, but the damage was to substantial, and sadly he was overcome by his injuries.
Now, some may say that Dererk Pardon is in fact alive, and those people would be lying. Derek Pardon has an identical twin brother, Derek Pardon, who has volunteered to take the place of his fallen brother for the remainder of the season as a tribute to brave Dererk. They are certainly not the same person and any mention of that preposterous rumor is an insult to the memory of brave Dererk.
Big10, I am asking you to take immediate action against Purdue’s Giant. It is patently unfair and dangerous for such a large human being to be allowed to play basketball at this level. While banning him from the court would be the proper action, I doubt that will happen at this point in his career.
Instead, all I’m asking is that any time someone touches him, he be called for a foul (Coach K told me to say this because it works for him in the ACC). The man (if he is in fact a man and not an actual monster) is a menace and must be controlled. If you won’t do it for me, please, do it for the memory of brave Dererk Pardon, who sacrificed his very life in an attempt to slow down The Giant (may Derek Pardon do an adequate job in his stead).
Coach Collins (a.k.a. Coach C)