clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Painter Offers Bernie Sanders a Scholarship (Satire)

New, 27 comments

Painter is Feeling the Bern! But can Sanders beat the press?

Carucha L. Meuse-USA TODAY Sports

Before we get started, note this is 100% satire and in no way an endorsement for/against Bernie Sanders or any other candidate. We came across the video of Bernie Sanders shooting hoops at the Co-Rec before or after his speech at Purdue on April 27th and want to have some off-season fun.

In a very surprising move, Purdue men's basketball coach, Matt Painter, has offered a four-year scholarship to point guard Bernard "Bernie" Sanders of Brooklyn. The 6-foot and 74-year old James Madison High School graduate was not on Painter's radar until his recent visit to Purdue earlier this week, where Painter caught him shooting some hoops and attempting to beat the press at the co-rec.

While Painter cannot directly discuss Sanders until he has signed his Letter Of Intent, he was able to speak generally about how a new addition could solve one of Purdue's needs:

As you all know, we had some struggles against breaking a press last season. While we improved throughout the season, there was still a lot of work to be done. With our open scholarships this upcoming season, I was looking for someone you really hates the press and wants to defeat it. While I cannot directly comment on recruits until they've signed, I will say that we have made some offers to those we think are enthusiastic and will play hard at breaking the press and can bern up the court.

There are some concerns about Sanders joining the roster and filling Purdue's needs. While Purdue does have a few open scholarships available with Kendall Stephens and Grant Weatherford transferring this offseason, can Sanders really offer a better press break than someone like Spike Albrecht, who recently visited Purdue as was also offered a scholarship? Though he has shown some success against the press since his visit to Iowa in February, his ball handling and shooting ability, seen in the video above, does need some work. However, Sanders is a good passer with his ability to distribute the ball equally among his teammates. Sanders remains unrated by ESPN and Rivals, and says he uses it as a chip on his shoulder.

Bernie Sanders said that he is flattered by the scholarship offer, but he will make his final decision in July after visiting the West Virginia, Kentucky, and California programs. Sanders did deny, however, that he is not the source from the co-rec that many people refer to on various Purdue message boards, and that his appearance there was just coincidental.

It was also rumored that Painter was set to offer Ted Cruz a scholarship until it became apparent that Cruz didn't know what basketball was.

In related news: We're unaware if Versyp emailed Hillary Clinton about joining the Purdue Women's Basketball team, while Tom Crean has personally invited Donald Trump to a net cutting ceremony in Assembly Hall on May 3rd.

To end on a serious note: don't forget to vote in the Indiana primaries this Tuesday (May 3rd). You do NOT have to be a registered Republican or Democrat to vote (but you can only vote in one party's primary). Indiana is a big state for both parties this year, and it's not often that Indiana's primary gets this much attention. So if you're registered to vote in Indiana, go vote damn it!