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Saving Rutgers From Itself

Trust us, you don’t want this, Rutgers.

NCAA Football: Purdue at Illinois
Get ready for this expression at all times, Rutgers.
Mike Granse-USA TODAY Sports

This past season was a rough one for Rutgers. It finished 2-10, went 0-9 in Big Ten play, and in four of its nine Big Ten games it failed to score a single point. Sure, it was against Penn State, Ohio State, Michigan State, and Michigan, but in those games the Scarlet Knights were outscored 224-0. In two other Big Ten games it managed only 7 points, and one of those was against Illinois, a team so bad it lost to Purdue. They scored only 41 points at home in five Big Ten games and just 86 points in nine games total. That’s 1981

Strangely, someone HIRED AWAY offensive coordinator Drew Mehringer.

Even more strangely, that team was Texas, and they made him the passing game coordinator.

Laughing at that aside, has an even more hilarious solution for Rutgers as his replacement:

Darrell Hazell

I will now pause so you can all laugh.

Still pausing.

No, it’s okay, I’ll wait. I am laughing too.

Okay, now that that is done, here is what they say about Hazell:

Hazell was fired in October during a fourth straight losing season as head coach at Purdue, a job he landed after a successful run at Kent State. The Cinnaminson native was a top assistant for three years at Rutgers under Greg Schiano before spending seven years at Ohio State under Jim Tressell.

A more clever whitewashing of a firing has never been done.

Hazell wasn’t just fireable at Purdue. He was heroically inept as head coach. We’re talking 9-33 in three and a half seasons, with four of those victories coming in FCS “you have no excuse to lose” games. You want this man to save your offense when that was his largest issue (of many, many issues) for the majority of his tenure? The man could not build an offensive line at all. He completely neglected the position in recruiting. He had JOHN SHOOP as his offensive coordinator for three seasons for crying out loud. That alone should be reason enough to pass.

You want more? His 2013 team was nearly as bad as Rutgers in Big Ten play. It was only shut out twice, but scored just 104 points in eight games, 36 of which came against a putrid Indiana defense in the final game long after the Hoosiers had a huge lead. In his 42 games as head coach he used four different starting quarterbacks. Most of the time his offenses would be down 30-40 points before doing much of anything. In 17 of 27 Big Ten games Purdue failed to score more than two touchdowns, and at home Hazell was even worse, going 1-12 in Big Ten games before getting canned. The one victory only took a walk-on QB making his first start to commit five turnovers.

But yes, Rutgers wants Darrell Hazell to save their offense.

Trust me, guys, unless you only want to beat Purdue on October 21, you don’t want Hazell. I say that day because you just know that if Rutgers hired him they would find a way to beat Purdue since all Hazell did as our coach was beat Purdue. He was also good at losing to Indiana, too, so there goes that game for them.