Purdue Football Recruiting: Joe "The Show" Schopper

Joe "The Show" Schopper sent shockwaves through the recruiting world, and possibly the entire ultraverse, by committing to Purdue yesterday. I attempted to do this write up yesterday, but was still such a state of shock all I managed to type was "AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME" for 10 pages. Joe "The Show" (not sure if this is actually his nickname, but I like to pronounce his last name like shopper which is close enough to stopper to make the nickname work) is a 2* 5'11 - 185 pound kicker/punter from Indianapolis and Cathedral High School will fill the spot of recently departed kicker/punter Austin McGeehee. Purdue is confident Schopper will be able to overcome the hour drive from Indianapolis to West Lafayette.

Joe Schopper is 185 pounds of raw, unadulterated kicking fury. In fact, it has been proven by science that the only kick more powerful than a Chuck Norris roundhouse is a Joe Schopper punt. The combination of Ben Makowski snapping and Joe Schopper punting should put Purdue in position for multiple national championships.

Strengths:

Leg Kick: It is impossible to compare Schopper to any current kicker, but I will compare him to a young Ray Guy fused with the Fantastic Four's Mr. Fantastic. Schopper is able to punt a football 50 yards and kick an apple off the top of his helmet in one astonishingly beautiful punting motion. Any mortal kicker would shatter their groin and hamstring attempting to mimic Schopper's punting mechanics. It is rumored that one of Schopper's punts from last year escaped Earth's gravitational pull and is currently orbiting Mars. NASA is in negotiations with Schopper to kick a probe to Jupiter in the near future.

Interpretative Falling: Schopper has studied the works of some of the greatest actors and floppers in history. He is often compared to a young De Niro in terms of his ability to fall with both grace and intensity whenever a potential punt blocker comes within a 3-foot radius of his plant leg. This summer Schopper poured himself into the workers of some of the greatest floppers in the world. He spent hours pouring over footage of Dwayne Wade and Lebron falling over at the mere insinuation of physical contact. He also spent untold hours dissecting the work of Dutch flopping genius Arjen Robben during the World Cup. It is rumored that Indiana High School officials are considering awarding Cathedral a 15 yard roughing the punter call as soon as Schopper steps onto the field to speed up the game and remove the formality of Schopper actually having to fall down.

Weakness:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....Weakness......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...Seriously?

Overall:

In all seriousness, Schopper fills a hole in the Purdue special teams, and is an important piece of the 2015-recruiting puzzle. He appears to be a solid punter. Welcome to Purdue Mr. Schopper, hopefully you don't have to punt as much as Cody Webster.