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2014 Big Ten Media Days: What Each Coach REALLY Should Have Said

Here is what REALLY should have been said yesterday at Big Ten Media Days.

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Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

I know Big Ten Media Days are a big deal, but when you look at it, very little is really said. Almost every coach has the same major talking points:

  • "We're really excited about the season."
  • "The players have never worked so hard and we have a great locker room right now."
  • "We're just trying to put last year behind us/build on the momentum of last year."
  • "Honestly, boys will be boys. I mean, who HASN'T been naked with a pound of coke in a sorority?"

Okay, maybe they don't say that last one, but with all the scandals and player arrests that inevitably happen in college football, don't you want to hear a coach say something like that?

That's what this post is about. Yesterday 14 coaches had a moment to speaks, plus the Big Ten Commissioner and the President of the Big Ten Network. None of it was earth shattering. Here is what I wish would have been said yesterday.

Tim Beckman - Illinois - "My fans are longing for the salad days and stability of Ron Zook. How do you think I feel about being on the hot seat?"

Kevin Wilson - Indiana - "Frankly, I can't believe this bullshit about "needing to field a defense." Oh, and if the band plays a single note during one of our drives this year I swear I am strangling someone with a tuba. Aw, who the hell cares. I could coach a game naked and the only way IU fans would care is if it brought in the next Cody Zeller. "

Kirk Ferentz - Iowa - "Whoa! Easy there, Kevin. Four first downs in a single drive is WAAAAAAY too much. It's like when someone replaced the Sanka in the Iowa offices with Maxwell House. I was buzzing around the film room like a coked out Colombian for a week."

Randy Edsall - Maryland - "Wow! You guys get Rotel AND queso at these things? In my old conference we used to have great seafood, but someone kept stealing it last year."

Brady Hoke - Michigan - "We're Michigan. That still means something these days because it is a different culture here. If I want to walk across the field in the middle of the play and noogie ol' Kevin here I should be able to because we're Michigan!"

Mark Dantonio - Michigan State - "If only Brady would realize that we run this town now. No more Little Brother. No sir. We know what it is like to go to Pasadena and win, unlike that woman with loose morals for a town in Ann Arbor."

Jerry Kill - Minnesota - "I am actually an anthropomorphic gopher. No, really!"

Bo Pelini - Nebraska - (Goes on 15 minute explitive-laden tirade about not getting proper lighting for pictures of his cat.)

Pat Fitzgerald - Northwestern - "I bet if I had a 48-hour grace period I could seduce every single coach's wife. Who wants to watch?"

Urban Meyer - Ohio State - "Sure, it is frustrating to have the longest winning streak in college football history without actually winning anything, but are you all happy you got the saddest picture ever of a man eating pizza?"

James Franklin - Penn State - " I may have helped cover up a rape scandal in my previous position, but why else do you think Penn State..." is cut off and gagged by Penn State officials.

Darrell Hazell - Purdue - "When I said we had to change the entire culture I didn't mean we had to change it to a winning one. Remember: Purdue had 12 straight losing seasons as an established culture from 1984-96."

Kyle Flood - Rutgers - "My goal is to convince the entire conference that New York style pizza is superior to Chicago style. That's the only reason Delaney has me here."

Gary Andersen - Wisconsin - "Oh come on. We all know you guys would rather talk to Bo Ryan than me."

Mark Silverman - Big Ten Network President - "I'd like to announce some new programming for this fall on BTN and the introduction of BTN2!"

Jim Delaney - Big Ten Commissioner - (Counts money, makes it rain while playing King of Diamonds by Rick Ross).