There is little I loathe more as a blog writer than mock drafts. Everything associated with the NFL Draft is completely and utterly out of control in 2014, and that includes the near two-week run up to the event that starts tomorrow night. While in Miami these weekend I actually saw an ESPN draft head comparing Johnny Manziel to Luke Skywalker.
It is out of hand. We're talking about reading a list of names and all mock drafts are completely and utterly meaningless beyond a pick or two, especially this year when there is no clear number 1 pick. Well, since the Big Ten rules over all it is only appropriate that the Big Ten gets every first round pick this year:
1. Houston Texans - Everyone says that the Texans need a quarterback, so they are taking, who'shouse? SCHEELHAASE! That's right! The Nathan Scheelhaase era has begun! He is the most experienced quarterback possibly in the entire draft as a four year starter.
2. Washington Redskins - Washington has received this pick in a trade, and they are using it to make a statement about standing behind their offensive nickname. Though Carlisle College is not in the Big Ten, it is in the Big Ten footprint of Pennsylvania. Because of that, the Redskins select Jim Thorpe, the most famous Native American athlete of all-time, despite the noticeable handicap that he has been dead for over 60 years.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars - In the spirit of drafting punters ridiculously high they Jaguars select Cody Webster of Purdue. This is why they are the jaguars.
4. Cleveland Browns - Why would the NFL want to make a movie about the NFL Draft and focus on one of its most historically inept franchises? Citing that they are drafting for need the Browns pick Erich Toth, the holder for the Indiana Hoosiers, saying they'll be prepared for the day the Browns finally reach the end zone and need to make an extra point.
5. Oakland Raiders - In trying to get back to their glory days the Raiders bring back Jeff George of Purdue and Illinois fame. The NFL allows it even though George is now 46 years old and already played for them for two years.
6. Atlanta Falcons - Jim Delaney insists that the Big Ten continue its plan of world domination by expanding into the heart of SEC territory. He coerces the Falcons to draft Taylor Lewan, the highest rated Big Ten player on the board.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa picks Vincent Smith, stating that he already knows how it feels to be leveled to the turf of Raymond James Stadium.
8. Minnesota Vikings - With the Vikings playing in TCF Bank Stadium for the next season or two they draft the best player available on Ohio State or Michigan since neither team has lost while playing in the Twin Cities in decades.
9. Buffalo Bills - It does not matter who the Bills pick. Like the Browns, they'll just screw it up anyway.
10. Detroit Lions - The Lions need a Michigan Man, so they draft Darqueze Dennard in a stunning display of competence for a franchise that has a single playoff victory since the Eisenhower administration.
11. Tennessee Titans - Delaney brokers another deal for the expansion into SEC territory as Ryan Shazier heads to the Titans. As he brokers the contract he announces that Vanderbilt has joined the Big Ten for the lucrative Nashville market.
12. New York Giants - The Giants already have Curtis Painter as a member of the Cradle of Quarterbacks, so they add another in Rob Henry! Painter and Henry are lauded as great insurance for Eli Manning.
13. St. Louis Rams - The Rams pick Stanley Jean-Baptiste of Nebraska. No one notices.
14. Chicago Bears - Since the Bears once again have a highly over-rated quarterback ehy pass on the large number of highly rated and better QBs to pick up another fearsome piece for their defense in Max Bullough.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers - The Steelers pick Cody Latimer of Indiana, who immediately defects to Canada to avoid wearing Gold and Black.
16. Dallas Cowboys - Already experts in snatching defeat from the jaws of victory with Tony Romo, the Cowboys select Kain Colter after Northwestern's stunning ability to lose games in dramatic fashion in 2013.
PART 2 COMING LATER