2014-15 Bowl Gifts: The Non-Bowl Team Gift Suite

One of the best things about the college football bowl season is bowl swag. Each bowl game can give every player gifts worth up to $550 according to the NCAA, and it is often a series of hats, watches, footballs, and gift cards. The full list of bowl SWAG for each bowl game can be found here, while SB Nation has already ranked the best and worst gifts.

What about the non-bowl teams though? There are 128 FBS level football teams this season (including UAB, who is closing its program. This year there are 39 bowl games, so 76 of the 128 teams are playing in a bowl this year (the National Championship game counts as the 39^th bowl). That means there are 52 teams not playing a bowl, so they deserve something, right? Well, I have some suggestions, with the help of Twitter, for what the gifts can be up to the $550 limit.

First, here were some suggestions I was given on Twitter:

@HammerAndRails 550 boxes of Kraft Mac and cheese.

— Chase Foster (@chasewfoster) December 8, 2014

@HammerAndRails two toilets, a case of o'douls, and a $100 gift card to Steve & Barrys

— Robert Baker (@kerba1123) December 7, 2014

Those are some expensive toilets! Most bowls have what is called a Gift Suite, where the parent company brings in a catalog and players can order what they want up to the $550 limit. Here is the Gift Suite then, for the non-bowl teams.

• Retro phone handsets - perfect for flip phones, apparently.
• The Uroclub - For the times you really want to pee in a golf club instead of find a tree.
• Fetus cookie cutters - Remember that groupie you slept with after blowing out your FCS opponent? Well, she has a surprise.
• Poopouri - Why is this even a thing?
• Gold pills -on second thought, this is a bad thing because I don't want to see Morgan Burke rifling through the athletic department toilets to harvest gold.
• Orbit wheels - So Purdue football players can tear their ACLs even faster.
• Biffy Butler Bidet Sprayer / Digital Accessory Caddy / Toilet Paper Stand - For when you need to hold your ipad while using a bidet?
• 8,000 Picture storage vault - for when spending $10 on a regular USB drive is not enough.
• Star Trek Communicator Dog Bag Dispenser - I don't even...
• Lavender Dog Shampoo - I don't think you can spend $53 for a gallon of human shampoo.
• Anti-fatigue floor mats - Have fun telling your girl this is for when she cooks in heels!
• Novelty Condoms - At least if Torri Williams stole these it would make sense.
• Old Style Beer - I am a die hard Cubs fan and frankly this is the worst beer I have ever had. It tastes like it was brewed in 1908 and has been waiting ever sense to be drank.
• 2015 SMU Season tickets - The consensus worst team at the FBS level, though this is pretty much a punishment.
• Philadelphia 76ers season tickets - A team that cares so much they are openly throwing away a season.