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Who Could Be Purdue’s Sugar Daddy?

I am not above whoring out Purdue sports for a load of money.

Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports

Contrary to what Morgan Burke and Mitch Daniels believe, college sports have become an arms race. They can wish it away as much as they want, but schools need money and those willing to spend are the ones that will get ahead, while the ones that don't will be left behind. Purdue is getting left behind, as we're held barely above water at Morgan's lovely "in the black" standard is boosted by the river of Rotel and Barbasol money from BTN.

That's nice, but what we really need is a sugar daddy. Think about it: Oregon, Louisville, and Oklahoma State were nothing programs. Then they got a sugar daddy. Phil Knight pumps in a ton of Nike money to Eugene and the Ducks become a powerhouse not just in football, but in many sports. Oklahoma State gets a ton of oil money from T. Boone Pickens and their programs improve. Louisville was in the freaking Missouri Valley Conference at one point,but thanks to Papa John they have excellent facilities, multiple BCS bowls, and a basketball national title.

Those are just a few examples, but Purdue would do well to follow them. Where could one though? Here are some possibilities.

Stephen Bechtel Jr. - Bechtel is an Eagle Scout and he provided $50 million to the Summit Bechtel Family National Scout Reserve in West Virginia. This is the new home of the National Scout Jamboree and Bechtel is a 1946 Civil Engineering graduate. He is also the owner of Bechtel Corporation, which is the fourth largest privately owned corporation in the U.S. The company had a 2013 revenue of $39.4 BILLION!!!!!! Bechtel has more money than God and he will turn 90 next year. Someone send him some JPC literature!

Ted Allen - One of the original Queer Eye For The Straight Guy stars, he got a degree from Purdue in Psychology in the 80's and enrolled at Krannert. He has been a regular author and guest on multiple reality shows as an expert,s o he has some cash lying around.

Jim Gaffigan - He is a big sports fan and attended Purdue for a year. As one of the most popular comedians in the country he probably has some cash.

Sam Allen - This is a no brainer. Allen is the current chairman and CEO of Deere & Company, a.k.a., John Deere. We're a freaking agriculture school and John Deere is THE name in agriculture equipment. Deere is worth billions and id Oregon can have Nike money paying their bills why can't we reach out to get some tractor money? John Deere Field at Ross-Ade has a nice ring to it.

Gordon Binder - Binder has a bachelor's from Purdue in EE and got a Masters from Harvard School of business. He is the former CEO of AMGEN (Applied Molecular Genetics) and is still on the board at MIT. He can think up some molecular patent we can sell for money.

Herman Cain - Yes, THAT Herman Cain. The CEO of Godfather's Pizza, cancer ass-kicker, and former Presidential candidate. He got a Masters in computer science from Purdue.

James Cash Jr. - Come on! His last name is Cash! He has a Masters in computer science from Purdue and he is on the board at GE, Microsoft, the Chubb Corporation, and Wal-Mart. I have no shame in watching a game at Wal-Mart Stadium. The Waltons are worth billions!

Michael L. Eskew - The current chairman and CEO of UPS got a degree in industrial engineering from Purdue and he is also on the board of 3M and IBM. What can Brown do for us? Give us a shitload of money, that's what.

Brian Lamb - He already gave enough money to have the School of Communication named after him. As an alum of that very school I appeal to him for more money. Bonus that he started C-SPAN, so we would never have to worry about BTNPlus again. Would you rather watch a boring Senate hearing on C-SPAN3 or Boilermaker basketball?

Wade Miquelon - Sure, he is the CFO of Walgreens, which would like to drive my dad out of business, but dad is close to retiring anyway. Walgreens had $72 BILLION in sales per year recently and Miquelon was named their CFO. He is a 1987 grad in Civil Engineering.

Carlos Septién - Es muy bueno! Carlos has an MBA from Purdue and we can cash in on some Mexican banking money since he is the 12-year CEO of Banco Azteca.

Don Thompson - Close your eyes and imagine Purdue players of all sports running through the golden arches onto the field of play. Thompson is the CEO of McDonald's, one of the largest companies on the planet. He also has a degree in EE from Purdue. McDonald's has so much money that we could fully fund varsity quidditch.

Gregory Wasson - This is part of a tag-team with Miquelon, as Wasson is the COO and President of Walgreens. Since there are TWO Boilers very high in a company that had over $70 billion in sales last year they can be my personal sugar daddy too. They can buy out my dad's pharmacies in Kokomo and the trickle down can come to me in the form of several million dollars.

Bob Rohrman - Because there's only one. When i was a young T-Com student I used to joke that in 10 years I would still be in Lafayette doing Bob Rohrman commercials and wondering how my life spiraled into hell. Well, I did used to make TV commercials from 2002-2005, but not in Lafayette and not Bob Rohrman, so let's ask him.

So, as you see, there are plenty of sugar daddies out there for us. Let's go nail down one.