It is a bye week for four teams in the Big Ten, just as it has been the last two weeks. This week we get it with our rivals, our Most Hated Rivals, and Northwestern, who was a protected rivalry before the Big Ten split into two divisions. That could lead to some fun, so imagine if Pat Fitzgerald, Darrell Hazell, Kirk Ferentz, and Kevin Wilson took a trip together this weekend? Where would they go and what would they do? Well, I was able to spy on them, and here was the result:
SCENE: A RANDOM CORNFIELD. KIRK FERENTZ IS DRIVING
HAZELL: Uh, Kirk? You realize you're only doing 45? This is the Interstate. The speed limit is 70
FERENTZ: 70!?!?! Slow down there sunny Jim! This isn't the Autobahn in Germany!
WILSON: Kirk, Let me Drive
FITZGERALD: Kevin, you can't drive. The last time you drove you had us turn off all music, you ran every stop sign, got 14 tickets, and blew the engine.
WILSON: Hey, we got there, didn't we?
HAZELL: No, we didn't you don't do any maintenance on your car, man! You just go, go, go! The car had no oil for crying out loud!
WILSON: Hey, you don't need oil when you can just get there really, really fast. Oil just gets in the way.
FITZGERALD: No, oil is a defense against breakdowns
WILSON: (ponders for a moment) DE-fense? Duh-FENSE... Sorry, I am not familiar with what that means.
FERENTZ: We all know that, Kevin. That's why we're in my car today. (immediately stops car on shoulder)
HAZELL: What are you doing, Kirk?
FERENTZ: It's time for an oil change! If we went one more mile I would have gone past 3,000 since the last one!
FITZGERALD: Are you serious? We're in the middle of nowhere!
FERENTZ: Hey, who has the most wins here and the highest paycheck? I know what I am doing.
(after 45 minutes Ferentz changes the oil, with Hazell's help, though Hazell insists on stripping the entire engine down first. Fitzgerald reluctantly helps, while Wilson googles "defense" on his iPhone)
(Back on the road)
FITZGERALD: So where are we going this week?
FERENTZ: Scouting mission. There are five other games this week, so we need to scout future opponents.
WILSON: Oh come on, Kirk. Why do we need to do that? Just score 54 points and BOOM! You're done! It keeps the band quiet too.
FERENTZ: 54 points? Like, over the course of the season?
HAZELL: Yeah, that sounds about right for me last year.
WILSON: No, in a game!
FERENTZ: In a game!?!?!?! (Clutches chest) Mercy! Why would you need to score that much? Why don't you just tell me to add chocolate syrup to my unflavored ice milk after dinner?
WILSON: (checks text message) Aw dammit! Zander Diamont is out this week. He said he was caught up in a plot where he was mistaken for his brother who died when his car exploded and Zander seamlessly assumed his identity and family, only to have his brother come back from the dead.
HAZELL: Sounds like something from a soap opera.
FITZGERALD: Pssssh, real men don't watch soaps. We don't get soaps in Chicago, where we're the Big Ten team!
FERENTZ: Yeah, you keep saying that, Fitz.
WILSON: I need a new quarterback and Gunner Kiel isn't returning my calls
DANNY HOPE: Quarterbacks? Did someone say quarterbacks? This is why you play 3-4 per game, son!
WILSON: (hangs up) Ugh, Hope again.
FERENTZ: I do like his quarterback strategy. Talked to him about it last week, in fact. You could learn something from him since you never beat him, Kevin.
WILSON: Shut up, Darrell. I have your Bucket, remember?
(Thumping sound is heard)
FITZGERALD: What's that?
(car stops, Ferentz opens the trunk to find Brady Hoke bound and gagged in the trunk)
HAZELL: What do we do now?
And that's all I have. I have asked the other three SB Nation blogs involved here to continue the story, so stay tuned or continue it yourself in the comments.