At a hotel conference room in Rosemont, Illinois...
Pat Chambers: (first to arrive, notices wait staff setting out breakfast) "Wow! This is like a sellout at Bryce Jordan! There's no way they can get more people in here."
Tim Miles: (walks in) "Hey Pat, did they let you guys fly this year?"
Chambers: "Nope. Had to take greyhound on my own dime. You know how it is."
Miles: "Yep. I had to go the hobo way: train from Lincoln. Of course, Pelini had his own private jet this summer."
Chambers: "So did O'Brien."
Matt Painter: (teleports in) "Hi fellas! Something new our engineering department has been working on." (sits down, whips out Star trek-like Tricorder to instantly talk to recruits via mind meld).
Miles: "Matt always gets the nice stuff"
Painter: (casually throws $50 on the floor) "I thought I'd help your recruiting budgets too."
Chambers and Miles begin fighting over the fifty
Thad Matta: (enters the room) "Hey Matt, what are they up to?"
Painter: "I let them fight over a fifty again. These basketball coaches at football schools always fall for it."
Matta: "Just a fifty? Please! I used to pay Titus that much per day to stay out of my hair and make those YouTube videos."
John Groce: (Enters, Chris Collins and Richard Pitino are struggling to carry his bags) "Good morning, gentlemen. Where shall I have the boy put my bag?"
Matta: "Uh, John? This was barely even an overnight trip. What's with the luggage."
Groce: "Hazing. You guys got me so bad last year. It is my turn to teach the noobs."
Collins: "But I went to Duke!"
Pitino: "My dad is the defending National Champion."
Painter, Matta, and Groce: "QUIET, KNAVES!"
Miles and Chambers continue rolling around in pitched battle
John Beilein: (enters, punches Pitino for sport): "Damn. Wish I could have done that to his dad a few months ago."
Eddie Jordan and Mark Turgeon: (Enter and look confused)
Matta: "Who let these guys in?"
Painter: (throws another $20 at the Miles-Chambers melee). "Delaney. You can blame him. He got a little drunk one night last summer."
Beilein: "Well they don't BELONG HERE!" (tries to contain rage)
Matta: "Don't worry, I got this." (makes phone call)
Bo Ryan: (apparates into room in puff of smoke) "BOO!"
Turgeon and Jordan run screaming from room
Ryan: "WHY HAST THOU SUMMONED ME FROM MY SLUMBER!?!?!?"
Matta: "Relax Bo. We've got this group picture today and we needed to scare away the Maryland and Rutgers guys. You know Delaney."
Ryan: "I WILL FEAST ON THE CHOICEST MEATS FROM DELANEY'S SKULL FOR WHAT HE HATH WROUGHT, THAT INSOLENT PEASANT!"
Pitino: whines "Mr. Ryan?"
Ryan, Matta, Painter, Beilein, and Groce: "SILENCE, NOOB!"
Fran McCaffery: (enters) "Did I miss anything?"
Painter: "The noobs thought they could speak to Bo here."
Ryan: "THE INSOLENCE!"
McCaffery: "Fools. Anyway, are we doing this group picture?"
(Chambers powerbombs Miles through a table)
Groce: Yeah, we just need to get everyone here. Where's Tom and, well, Tom.
Twitter notification sound
Tom Crean: (Via Tweet) "I'm running late! Be there as soon as I can!"
Painter: Let me get to the bottom of this
Tom Izzo: (Arrives into room on Harley shot from cannon with fireworks, catches fire) "AHHHHHHHHHH"
Collins: (runs to get water to put out Izzo, trips and comes up short like NW basketball always does in the clutch).
Pitino: "I'll save him!" (is stopped by Beilein delivering power wedgie)
Painter: (Sets up holographic projector) "Another little tool we're working on." (Shows Crean in parking lot)
Crean: (Stares blankly at parallel parking spot as if it is a 2-3 zone).
Painter: Great, this will take awhile.