I have to give credit the reader mattdsm for coming up with the theme for the next two weeks. The time has finally come for us to release the rage we have been saving for the week, the day, and the hour it has been prepared for. In two weeks we commence operations to rescue the Bucket, while this week Jim Delaney finally loses his ability to hold back the seething rage in the Iowa-Purdue series. He succeeded in keeping the peace for two years by preventing us from playing them, but much like the Hatfields and McCoys, the Palestinians and Israelis, and the Kardashians vs. everyone, the hatred cannot be held at bay.
The Fortnight of Hate has begun.
Our Most Hated Rival is a sneaky one. They claim to love America because Ricky Stanzi loves America. They revere Nile Kinnick because he was a scholar, student body President, Heisman Trophy winner, Naval aviator, and he had the ability to make women ovulate spontaneously with his dashing good looks. In reality, they know they can never be as good as us. They just can't deal with the facts:
- Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, while Kinnick couldn't land a plane.
- Our black and gold is actually black and gold, not black and pee yellow.
- We're supposed to be afraid of a bunch of old people? Iowa has the highest percentage of people over 85.
- The state gave us Herbert Hoover, who was only President when the U.S. fell headlong into the Great Depression.
- The University of Iowa gave us Ashton Kutcher, Tom Arnold, the non-blinking Jim Caldwell, Lou Holtz (assistant coach 1960), and the closest they have ever come to producing a President was the actor that played Wayne Palmer (the bad President Palmer) on 24.
- They know that Boilermakers are awesome, as Sally Mason, a Purdue grad, is their university President.
- Iowa loves them some meth. In fact, it has been dubbed the Meth Capitol of the World.
- Their football fans are fascists and have an affinity for groupthink.
- No state should have as much power as Iowa does in choosing a President no matter where your politics lie.
- They actively have a Department of Necromancy trying to make zombie clones of Nile Kinnick, using the cover story of "his body was never found" to hide their research.
Evil like this must not go unchecked. We at Purdue take great pride in the way our University acts as Defenders of Freedom. We have worked on the Manhattan Project, Designed the Golden Gate Bridge, Landed on the Moon, and have fought the evils of Communism near and far. In this month of November, when we are growing manly ‘staches that literally ooze testosterone, we have the power to win the day.
Our turf must be defended and we must stand in the way of the injustices that Iowa wishes to bring upon this world. Only those outside this rivalry of bitter hatred think it is simply a football game on Saturday. To the winner not only goes the Trophy of Badassery above, but control of the world for good... or evil.