2013 Big Ten Basketball Media Day: Behind The Scenes

David Banks-USA TODAY Sports

What really went on today at Big Ten Media Day in Chicago?

At a hotel conference room in Rosemont, Illinois...

Pat Chambers: (first to arrive, notices wait staff setting out breakfast) "Wow! This is like a sellout at Bryce Jordan! There's no way they can get more people in here."

Tim Miles: (walks in) "Hey Pat, did they let you guys fly this year?"

Chambers: "Nope. Had to take greyhound on my own dime. You know how it is."

Miles: "Yep. I had to go the hobo way: train from Lincoln. Of course, Pelini had his own private jet this summer."

Chambers: "So did O'Brien."

Matt Painter: (teleports in) "Hi fellas! Something new our engineering department has been working on."  (sits down, whips out Star trek-like Tricorder to instantly talk to recruits via mind meld).

Miles: "Matt always gets the nice stuff"

Painter: (casually throws $50 on the floor) "I thought I'd help your recruiting budgets too."

Chambers and Miles begin fighting over the fifty

Thad Matta: (enters the room) "Hey Matt, what are they up to?"

Painter: "I let them fight over a fifty again. These basketball coaches at football schools always fall for it."

Matta: "Just a fifty? Please! I used to pay Titus that much per day to stay out of my hair and make those YouTube videos."

John Groce: (Enters, Chris Collins and Richard Pitino are struggling to carry his bags) "Good morning, gentlemen. Where shall I have the boy put my bag?"

Matta: "Uh, John? This was barely even an overnight trip. What's with the luggage."

Groce: "Hazing. You guys got me so bad last year. It is my turn to teach the noobs."

Collins: "But I went to Duke!"

Pitino: "My dad is the defending National Champion."

Painter, Matta, and Groce: "QUIET, KNAVES!"

Miles and Chambers continue rolling around in pitched battle

John Beilein: (enters, punches Pitino for sport): "Damn. Wish I could have done that to his dad a few months ago."

Eddie Jordan and Mark Turgeon: (Enter and look confused)

Matta: "Who let these guys in?"

Painter: (throws another $20 at the Miles-Chambers melee). "Delaney. You can blame him. He got a little drunk one night last summer."

Beilein: "Well they don't BELONG HERE!" (tries to contain rage)

Matta: "Don't worry, I got this." (makes phone call)

Bo Ryan: (apparates into room in puff of smoke) "BOO!"

Turgeon and Jordan run screaming from room

Ryan: "WHY HAST THOU SUMMONED ME FROM MY SLUMBER!?!?!?"

Matta: "Relax Bo. We've got this group picture today and we needed to scare away the Maryland and Rutgers guys. You know Delaney."

Ryan: "I WILL FEAST ON THE CHOICEST MEATS FROM DELANEY'S SKULL FOR WHAT HE HATH WROUGHT, THAT INSOLENT PEASANT!"

Pitino: whines "Mr. Ryan?"

Ryan, Matta, Painter, Beilein, and Groce: "SILENCE, NOOB!"

Fran McCaffery: (enters) "Did I miss anything?"

Painter: "The noobs thought they could speak to Bo here."

Ryan: "THE INSOLENCE!"

McCaffery: "Fools. Anyway, are we doing this group picture?"

(Chambers powerbombs Miles through a table)

Groce: Yeah, we just need to get everyone here. Where's Tom and, well, Tom.

Twitter notification sound

Tom Crean: (Via Tweet) "I'm running late! Be there as soon as I can!"

Painter: Let me get to the bottom of this

Tom Izzo: (Arrives into room on Harley shot from cannon with fireworks, catches fire) "AHHHHHHHHHH"

Collins: (runs to get water to put out Izzo, trips and comes up short like NW basketball always does in the clutch).

Pitino: "I'll save him!" (is stopped by Beilein delivering power wedgie)

Painter: (Sets up holographic projector) "Another little tool we're working on." (Shows Crean in parking lot)

Crean: (Stares blankly at parallel parking spot as if it is a 2-3 zone).

Painter: Great, this will take awhile.

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