It's been awhile since I wrote something that could fall under the category of Batshit Insanity, but it's the offseason. that in and of itself leads to strange ideas, especially when given a boatload of time to write and the hindrance of writer's block.
The offseason is also the time when bloggers like me, while starved for content, start bouncing the absurd idea off the walls of our mind. One can only stare outside at a gorgeous spring day as I am trapped inside an office before the mind begins to wander. This leads to Power Rankings comparing the Big Ten to Anchorman and the vague idea of declaring blog war on Syracuse.
After that lengthy preamble, consider the rest of this entry just a few random neurons firing in my head. That's the only logical explanation for thinking, "What would happen if all 12 Big Ten mascots got in a fight to the death." Yes, The Hunger Games is the hot movie at the moment, so it may have had a hand in this, but any time you can have a hypothetical battle royale is a good one.
Before getting to out candidates, let's set some conditions:
- Each mascot is the walking, anthropomorphized mascot only - I am well aware that the Boilermaker Special is Purdue's official mascot, but it also makes things unfair if the solution is "train runs over everyone, Purdue wins"
- But what of Indiana and Michigan - They don't have anthropomorphic mascots, so their representative will be decided at my discretion. This, of course will put them at a hilarious disadvantage, but this is a dictatorship and I am in charge.
- The battle will occurred in a Hunger Games-style arena - This is necessary, as the various boosters of each school will be able to send in parachute packages. If you don't know what I am talking about, get thee to a multiplex.
- There can be only one - It's like the Highlander. There will be no declaration of carnal love between Herbie Husker and Willie Wildcat as they try to preserve their lives.
With that in mind, here are candidates:
Advantages - Pete gets to bring the hammer in with him, as he is the only mascot that carries with him an item that can bet used as a weapon at all times.
Disadvantages - A gargantuan plastic head. Yes, all the other mascots have huge heads, but Pete's is the only one made out of plastic. If it gives way unlike soft plush, he's screwed.
First off, we have to decide what IU's mascot is. Rumor has it there was a buffalo at one time, but I don't see many buffalo around Indiana. When I was little, I asked my father what a Hoosier was. His response: "A hillbilly with the sense kicked out of him" Sounds good to me!
Advantages - Backwoods skills. Anything that happens in the woods stays in the woods, be it moonshine production, hunting, or the secret shrine do Cody Zeller covered by stitched-together game-worn red sweaters.
Disadvantages - It's 2012, which is no place for a hillbilly.
Advtanges - He's a friggin' Spartan! He has been bred for war.
Disadvantages - The dude is wearing a skirt.
Advantages - Michigan does not have an official mascot on the sidelines, so, like Indiana, we have to come up with one. Ironically, both would make People of Wal-Mart proud in their craftiness.
Advantages - He's a freakin' Badger, so I am thinking claws and teeth.
Disadvantages - Very few, as we know the Honey Badger doesn't give a shit.
Advantages - He can probably "win the crowd" more than anyone else, as his crowd warm-up before the Purdue-Penn State game last season was one of the cooler traditions I have seen in college football.
Disadvantages - How do I put this lightly... He's still not comfortable being around kids, but this is a fight to the death, so I guess it already isn't kid friendly
Advantages - I'm not really sure. He's just a nut.
Disadvantages - He's completely averse to winning in West Lafayette.
Advantages - A natural burrower that can undermine via tunnel.
Disadvantages - The head-spin thing is a little creepy.
Advantages - He's got crazy eyes!
Disadvantages - I'm not sure, as those crazy eyes scare me.
Advantages - He's resourceful with many things.
Disadvantages - apparently a white kid dressing and dancing like a Native American is offensive.
Advantages - Like Bucky, I'll go with the claws and teeth angle.
Disadvantages - Like his basketball program, it is hard to take that face seriously.
Advantages - He can fly, so there is nothing stopping him from flying above and waiting for the carnage to subside.
Disadvantages - The site of Pete could cause their insane bloodlust to take over and they take each other out in 5 seconds because of the OMHR factor.
So who wins? Have it out in the comments!
Who Wins A Battle Between Big Ten Mascots?
Purdue Pete (730 votes)
Stereotypical Hoosier (50 votes)
Wal-Mart Wolverine (16 votes)
Sparty (148 votes)
Bucky (49 votes)
Willie (9 votes)
Brutus (17 votes)
Herbie (17 votes)
Goldy (10 votes)
Chief Illiwinek (32 votes)
The Lion (31 votes)
Herky (84 votes)
1193 total votes