FanPost

Is Cody Zeller really baby Jesus? An objective analysis.


I'm going to break one of my personal rules today, in honor of hate week. I make it a point to refrain from attacking current players, not because I'm above it, just because I think these guys are amateur athletes, several aren't even of legal drinking age yet, so it doesn't seem appropriate to take pot shots at them. I made the exception today largely because our rivals hold this player in such high esteem it sickens me. I will prove, on a point by point basis, that Cody Zeller is in fact not the second coming of the Messiah.

Important note: while a few religious themes will be touched on, this is in no way a religious article, and I'm not trying to promote any belief systems one way or the other.


Purdue fans are all to familiar with the echoes coming from the south. They can be heard each time the faithful congregate in Assembly Hall. One side shouts "He is risen!" the other shouts "Cody is risen indeed!" No? Well, look for it this weekend then. I have heard Zeller referred to as the savior of IU basketball though, which is enough. So, while I hate to destroy the hopes and dreams of the IU fanbase (and B1G referees for that matter), I feel like it's my job to prove that he is actually not Jesus come again to deliver salvation.

1) He was definitely not born of a virgin.

You see, Cody has an older brother. No one has mentioned anything divine about his conception, so I'm confident that he was conceived the same way the rest of us were. (You just pictured your parents getting it on didn't you? Disgusting.) This one is pretty hard for the IU fan to refute, because for Cody to be born of a virgin, Mrs. Zeller would have had to have had multiple immaculate conceptions, meaning that Tyler is also Jesus. I don't think you can have two Jesusses. (Jesai? I have no idea what the proper plural for Jesus is. Someone help me out.)

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2) Compare these images:

I've gotta say, I don't see the resemblance.

A quick background for anyone unfamiliar with the image on the left, it was painted by an 8 year old after a "divine vision" of Jesus. A few people who have had near death experiences and claim to have met Jesus seem to be in agreement that this is the most accurate depiction of Him. Personally, I've never met the guy, so I'm just going with what they say. :)

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3) Jesus had thousands of believers who followed him and worshipped him.

Oh wait, they actually have this one in common. Moving on.

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4) Jesus was kind to non-believers. Zeller tackles them.

I don't recall any lessons in Sunday school where Jesus decided to smite a non-believer by body slamming them. Yet, this is exactly what Cody likes to do. Need proof? Here's a picture from Mackey Arena on February 4, 2012, Cody dealing with "heretic" Travis Carroll:

They should've called a double technical, one for the slam, and one for the speedo.

Instead, they called a foul on Carroll. Maybe he landed on Zeller's foot and gave him a boo boo after being slammed.

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5) Jesus has the apostles.

Crap, another thing they have in common. However, in today's modern era, we call these apostles "referees". They follow him wherever he goes, ensuring that his needs are met, and that he is always comfortable. They use their whistles to trumpet the "good news" of his arrival.

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Sorry IU fans, but Cody's not Jesus. He does seem to have a few of the criteria though, so I'd say he's Moses. He may be the chosen one to lead your people out of bondage, but a savior he is not. Interestingly enough, he recently returned with the Ten Commandments of IU Basketball. They are as follows:

1) Thou shalt wear hideous candy cane pants.

2) Thou shalt always be overrated.

3) Thou shalt pray to the five banners three times a day.

4) Thou shalt have no other gods before Knight.

5) Thou shalt mock Purdue.

6) Thou shalt not have fouls called upon thee.

7) Thy fans shalt change allegiances in times of hardship.

8) Thy coach shalt clap.

9) Thou shalt be fellated by Dick Vitale.

10) Thou shalt suck for all eternity.

Items in the FanPosts is entirely at the discretion of those that post them. They do not represent the views of Hammer & Rails, SBNation, or Purdue University in any way.

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