Hate week part 4 - Tom Crean

Note: The disclaimer from part 2 still applies.

Well, thus far all of my subjects have been former IU coaches, all of whom left the school in disgrace. Time to switch it up, and talk about a coach who is just counting down the days until he gets his chance to leave IU in disgrace. Mr. Crean, you're up.

Crean is a very emotional coach, loyal to tradition, and blindly optimistic. When asked why he took the Indiana job, he responded simply, "It's Indiana basketball". A more appropriate remark might have been, "It used to be Indiana basketball, it's about to be a dumpster fire", but I digress. I'm here to tell you why Crean sucks, and why it's incredible that he still has his job.

- IU Basketball under Tom Crean, a visual interpretation

For starters, look at his record since taking over at IU. 45-72. Many IU fans will say "But wait! He didn't have any good players!" Completely not true. The greatest coach IU has ever seenleft the cupboard fully stocked, ready for a championship run. But as soon as Crean got the job, he kicked three players off the team. Now who's fault is that? The dude walked in, took a look at his scholarship players, and just took them all away. What an assbag. Still, even after the exodus, he had a stable of freshmen and walk-ons that rivaled any in the country. He had all star Brett Finklemeier! The Carmel Crusher! Did he play him? No. For goodness' sake he had a 7 footer on the team! Did he play him? No. Crean is entirely to blame for the 6-25 laugh-a-palooza that was the 2008-2009 season. Admittedly I'm probably being a little too harsh, they did have a tough schedule. They lost to perennial powerhouses Northeastern and Lipscomb, both at home, in back to back games. Any college team in D-III could have lost to those teams.

So, the 2009-2010 season dawned, and IU fans teemed with joy at the the newest recruiting class, building on the foundation of solid players from the prior year. The result? A vast improvement! An incredible 10 wins! Crean was not dismayed however, he promised improvement, and hauled in another class of good recruits. Under his leadership this talent flourished, with the 2010-2011 squad amassing a formidable 12 wins. I would point out that is a 100% improvement over the 6 win '08-'09 season. Look, I'm trying to sugar coat this as much as possible, but a sugar coated pile of cow dung is still steaming pile of crap. What more can I do?

What's great is that up to this point I've omitted his most astounding stat of all. 2-31 on the road. That's 2 wins, 31 losses. Is there even a word for how bad that is? Terribad? Unbelievawful? Incredisuck? I have no idea. IU should just forfeit all future road games under Crean and save on transportation and hotel costs.

Crean is horrendous. When you inherit a team with championship caliber talent like he did, and then win 28 games in 3 seasons, you probably shouldn't even be coaching middle school basketball. Hell, you're probably not even qualified to teach a dog how to poop outside, given that your teams constantly crap the bed.

It's not entirely his fault though, I'll admit. Few people know this, but Coach Crean is actually handicapped. You see, the average American is exposed to approximately 360 millirems of radiation per year. Coach Crean calls that an average Tuesday. Due to his habitual tanning, he has developed a mental deficiency that causes him to coach terribly. He makes huge substitution blunders, calls horrible plays at the wrong time, and claps uncontrollably all because of his need to stay dark year round. Yes that's right, he's not clapping because he's excited, he's clapping because he can't control it. Think of it as clapping tourette's. Sadly, he's no longer able to attend funerals after an incident where he clapped for 5 straight minutes during a graveside service. There, don't you feel bad now for calling him "Clappy the Clown"? Yeah, me neither.

Somebody help me! I'm clapping and I can't stop!

What's really sad though is that the fans seem to be utterly oblivious to just how awful he really is. They watch as each season turns out to be yet another pile of anal seepage, and still they want more. I guess some people just love to lose.

The only good thing I can say about Coach Crean is that he's been great for Purdue basketball. The Boilers have never had an easier time man-handling the hapless Hoosiers than the time since Crean has been in command. He's managed to run a great program directly into the ground, then resurrected it early this season, only to flush it down the toilet again. Given his current career path, and the history of recent coaches at IU, I can only predict that Crean is destined to become a babbling moron with a microphone working for ESPN as a color commentator. Oh joy, I can't wait to hear 40 minutes of basketball overlapped by 38 minutes of clapping.

Boilermakers, let the IU faithful know how much Crean sucks. Maybe they'll listen and fire him before before he finds a way lose 40 games in a 30 game season.