DOWN WITH IOWA! A Formal Declaration of War.

They started this fight, so we're going to finish it. Ever since the Big Ten announced its new divisions everyone has been excited about the protected rivalries. You have all kinds of history to look at in the six rivalries that will break down the divisional boarders. For example:

Michigan vs. Ohio State - The history between these two teams is long, as they have often battled for the right to lose bowl games with national titles on the line. People acted like the earth would spin off its axis if this rivalry was not protected and kept in the last week of the regular season.

Penn State vs. Nebraska - The two newest members of the conference are historical powers and should form a great series. Even though they are the farthest schools apart, the Nittany Lions finally have a rival.

Northwestern vs. Illinois - The Land of Lincoln Trophy, basically an oversize monopoly piece, is protected.

Minnesota vs. Wisconsin - People running around crowded football fields with a large, sharp axe is more than worth protecting.

Michigan State vs. Indiana - Who can forget the Old Brass Spittoon, which is is the only rivalry trophy seen in Bloomington less than the Old Oaken Bucket.

Purdue vs. Iowa - Ummmmm...

Okay, so we don't have a long and bitter hatred with the Hawkeyes. We were thrown together because two teams were left and someone needed to be that way. We already had both Big Ten trophy games with Illinois and Indiana in our division anyway, so this is what we have.

Kyle McCann't, an Iowa alum and author of Maize N' Brew's Friday drinking instructions, texted me with, "I hate you now, I think," summed up this new enmity the best. There is no real history there. For the most part, the Purdue Iowa series has been dominated by the home team of late. The 2002 game has made an appearance on the Big Ten's Greatest Games as one of many agonizing close losses under Joe Tiller. The Hawkeyes are clearly on an upswing right now, while we have trouble beating the dredges of the MAC.

That hasn't stopped Black Heart Gold Pants from declaring war 1984-style. They declare that we are now the most hated enemy and they have always been at war with us. Who can blame them when their most famous Big Ten rival hasn't scored a point against them in the last two meetings and the Golden Gophers' home field is often referred to as "Kinnick North". I suspect that they think we can put up more of a fight than Minnesota.

Well, they started this fight, and even though we can't hope to match them in our current state, we're going to be the ones that finish it. Since we're on a bye this week (and probably a seven point underdog to lose to the bye) we need something. That means it is time for a good old-fashioned blogwar. So down with Iowa!

This is WAR!!!

Among their famous alums are Ashton Kutcher, Diablo Cody, and Tom Arnold - Purdue alums have flown in space and walked on the moon. They have become titans of the business industry, Olympics Champions, and have designed some of the country's greatest landmarks. These are only a few examples as showcased in the Profiles in Badassery series. What has Iowa given us? They have given us a woman most famous for writing a book about being a stripper, the guy from Dude, Where's My Car?, and someone that had the alarming lack of common sense to marry Rosanne Barr. At least Diablo Cody won an Oscar for Juno.

Our grads walk on the moon - Only twelve men have walked on the moon, and two of them were Purdue alums. Can Iowa grads even find the moon in the sky?

Wrestling - One a cold winter's night Mackey Arena is packed with 14,123 screaming Purdue fans to watch basketball. The passion for the game in this state is unmatched, and it is a moneymaker for the school and nation-wide. What do Iowa fans pack Carver-Hawkeye Arena to watch? It is certainly not Hawkeye basketball, which has been Steve Alford and Todd Lickliter's only coaching failures. While Purdue has sold out the season already for basketball, Iowa will be lucky to sell out one game without giving tickets away. They do pack the place to watch half-naked sweaty men grapple with each other. I am not sure what goes on in the Iowa cornfields to make this attractive to watch, but here in Indiana we only watch wrestling if it involved pyrotechnics or bikini-clad women in mud. Jell-O is also appropriate.

About Steve Alford - You hired him as coach. He was an All-American for our real most hated enemy, and one of the few links IU fans cling to from their fading past. That is reason enough to hate you. You were also excited to get IU castoff Luke Recker. Well, my high school personally ended Recker's Mr. Basketball season with a 69-46 ass-whipping.

Tom Davis - Seriously? Dr. Tom Davis? What is he a doctor of, how to only be better than Northwestern and Penn State in terms of overall basketball history? His best team never made a Final Four, nor won a Big Ten Title. At least Gene Keady won the Big Ten six times.

They stole our colors! - So they call it black and old gold. At least our gold is real and not some sort of bright yellow kept on football pants in order to hide pee stains when the Hawkeyes lose another game to Iowa State.

Ricky Stanzi - It is amazing that Iowa is highly ranked when he enjoys throwing passes to the other team for touchdowns.

Kellen Lewis - Here is another player that induces the pee stains. Seriously, at least we don't lose to Indiana at home anymore.

Nile Kinnick - Captain Sully crashed his plane too, and saved a ton of people in the process. Thus, the value of a Purdue education. I must give credit to Nile Kinnick for having his greatest moment against Notre Dame though. Anyone that can demoralize the Irish is a friend to me. He was a good man, but with a Purdue education he would have landed the plane safely and the world would be in a state of utopia because of it. He eventually would have become President and his mere gaze at ovulating women would have tripled the Baby Boom.

A 20 game losing streak against us - Seriously. Look it up. Before Hayden Fry came along the Hawkeyes once dropped 20 in a row to us. Even Northwestern and Indiana weren't this bad against us. This wasn't exactly an era of brilliant Purdue football, either. I know our place in the Big Ten. Any team that has once had a 20 game losing streak to us should never talk big against us.

If you have any more reasons feel free to contact me this week!

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Hammer and Rails

You must be a member of Hammer and Rails to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Hammer and Rails. You should read them.

Join Hammer and Rails

You must be a member of Hammer and Rails to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Hammer and Rails. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker