The Immortal Chris Kramer
by tiptonian on Mar 22, 2010 2:51 PM EDT
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Recent archeological evidence has surfaced that shows Chris Kramer has been lying to us all. He is not a 21 year old senior from Huntington, Indiana but is in fact an immortal human being who has helped mere mortals achieve astounding success. The researchers who discovered this have compiled the following list to show people why Chris Kramer is a mixture of several different kinds of awesome.
Yes, they are in fact that big folks
Beginning of life on Earth
Kramer tasted the Primordial Soup from which life is said to have sprung. When asked about it later Kramer merely replied "Mom’s chicken & stars are way better."
Evolution
It wasn't the best adapted that survived, it was the ones Chris Kramer didn’t kill and eat.
The invention of fire
Chris Kramer looks at log like he looked into the souls of the Sienna Saints last week and the log spontaneously catches fire.
The Pyramids of Giza
The reason nobody can find archeological evidence of people building the pyramids isn’t because aliens did it, it’s because Kramer built them. He needed something to practice layups against.
David vs Goliath
Prince David asks Kramer for a hand against the giant Goliath. Kramer says "it ain’t no thang" and proceeds to bewilder the giant allowing David to get the kill shot, all without messing up his hair. Did I mention Goliath was a Duke fan? Cause he totally was.
Chris Kramer sinks Atlantis
What? They said Robbie was a role player, they deserved it. Take note ESPN.
The Battle at Thermopylae
People conveniently forget that there were not only 300 Spartans but 1,000 Arcadians and one Chris Kramer. Probably could have left the Spartans at home.
The Middle Ages
Kramer spent most of his time killing dragons and bedding maidens in the Middle Ages, pretty much what a typical Saturday night is for him.
The Printing Press
While working on his half court press Kramer accidently invents the printing press, leading to the proliferation of the written word. Kramer says if he had known then it would lead to hack reporters bashing him and his team later he would have destroyed it.
Discovery of the Americas
Chris Kramer goes swimming and finds a new continent. He calls it Kramerica which is later shortened to America.
Boston Tea Party
Kramer helps to ignite the American Revolution by participating in this daring raid. He claims that Sam Adams got him to help by lying and saying that each box contained an Indiana Hoosiers fan.
The Burning of Atlanta
"I thought it was South Bend" says Kramer
Women’s Voting Rights
Chris convinces President Woodrow Wilson to allow women's suffrage because Kramer loves the ladies. He loves them even more now that they can vote for him for Lowe’s Senior CLASS award
http://www.seniorclassaward.com/vote/mens_basketball_2009/
The Atomic Bomb
Originally the plan had been to just drop Chris Kramer on cities but that was found to be a war crime.
1941
CK meets Digger Phelps’s mom and become a father. His son remains a disappointment to him to this day
Who's your daddy Digger?
The 1950's
Chris Kramer helps Chuck Berry to invent rock and roll music. See Back to the Future for a loose interpretation of these events.
Way of the Dragon
In the 1971 film Chris Kramer kills Chuck Norris, ‘nuff said
Freebird
In 1974 Chris Kramer pens the rock anthem "Freebird" for his pals Lynard Skynard.
Who shot JR?
Chris Kramer, that’s who.
The Cold War
Chris Kramer singlehandedly ends the Cold War by stealing most of the USSR’s nuclear weapons. His 5,472 steals rank first all time in the CIA record books.
The War on Terror
Let’s face it there is only one man who can find bin Laden. That man is Christopher Kramer.
The Secretary of Defense is coming for you sir, better find a deeper cave.
There are so many more examples but we can’t possibly fit them all in here, perhaps they will be expounded upon in the comments section.
Stuff in the FanPosts is entirely at the discretion of those that post them. They do not represent the views of Hammer & Rails, SBNation, or Purdue University in any way.
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We need to Rec the hell out of this!
Awesomeness that does not know words.
A futile crusade to prevent mass ignorance
HammerAndRails, SBNation's Boilermaker Blog
Why thank you chief
Honestly though, how can you not be inspired by this brave Adonis, this Cadillac of Men?
It's a trick, get an ax
Rec'd
Hitler committed suicide because he got word that the Allies were sending Kramer after him.
Kramer knows what the Red Sea parting was like because he was there. It wasn’t Moses, Kramer started walking towards the water, and the water got the hell out of his way.
The Colossus of Rhodes was modeled after Chris Kramer. He eventually tore it down by hand because they hadn’t made it look tough enough.
While slaying dragons in the Middle Ages...
Chris Kramer decided to spend the week soaking up the sights in Vienna. The Mongols happened to see him as they were getting ready to invade Western Europe and quickly turned around and went right back home.
I thought Kramer looked familiar...
With all due respect to the guys mentioned below (who are still alive), you have to consider that this ‘Highlander of Hoops’ (currently taking the form of Chris Kramer) may have worn Old Gold and Black in years gone by. Three in particular come to mind:
Jerry Sichting in the late 70’s – Provided tenacious defense and senior leadership on those Joe Barry Carroll / Arnette Hallman teams. Graduated the year before our last trip to the Final Four (hopefully this is not an omen). Later won NBA titles with Bird in Boston.
Billy Keller in the late 60’s – Point guard of Purdue’s 1969 National Runner Up team that included Rick Mount and Herm Gilliam. Later, the Energizer Bunny of the ABA’s Indiana Pacers.
John Wooden in the 30’s – As a senior, might have been more buffed than Kramer today. Three time All American who led the Boiler’s only National Championship team. Found steady work after graduation.
Courthouse records show all three to be Indiana born and prepped- Keller from Indy and both Sichting and Wooden, interestingly, from Martinsville.
Dig deep, Chris. If you can find your inner Billy Keller, our 3 point problems will be solved.
Crave the Quickening – There Can Only Be ONE !
If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, it does NOT make a sound. Chris Kramer has made it quite clear that he would like trees to keep it quiet.
Chris Kramer doesn’t look like a fool with his pants on the ground. He looks like a guy about to have a threesome with your girlfriend and her roommate.
If you can see Chris Kramer, he can see you. If you can’t see Chris Kramer, just wait 9 months, because you’ll have a new baby brother or sister that will bear a more than coincidental resemblance to him.
Chris Kramer sparked the Revolutionary War simply by telling George Washington he was a pussy for not standing up to the English. He also pointed out that John Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence larger than the others simply because he was inadequate in the shorts… you know, equipment wise.
Chris Kramer is manly enough to drive a Delorean up to 89.
Due to a glitch in the BCS scheduling system, Chris Kramer will be facing Alabama in the national 2011 title game. By himself. He is a 74 point favorite.
On the 9th day, God created Chris Kramer. “Your move!” God told Chris. And thus, a legend was born. And that’s why nobody can find Atlantis. Hell of a weekend though.
(All stolen from Brian Hartel Facts. But I wrote them, so I’m allowed to steal them, right?)
Chris Kramer doesn’t believe in ghosts – he creates them.
The Rock smells what Chris Kramer is cooking.
Nike’s Chris Kramer slogan: Just did it
The movie “There WIll Be Blood” was a Chris Kramer biopic.
by Marvin Plettner on Mar 22, 2010 10:42 PM EDT up reply actions
Tiger Woods didn’t crash his car because his wife hit him with a golf club as has been suspected…no, Tiger tried to make a getaway from his irate wife but instead crashed his car into a pissed of Chris Kramer who was standing there ready to take the charge. Kramer does not believe in cheating on spouses, especially hot one’s like Elin and he told Tiger such.
I love
“I thought it was South Bend” says Kramer
but he probably thought he would get Goshen too, cause we ended his HS football career
See Ball, Get Ball. Quarterback Has Ball, Sack Him.
by 7_Painter's_First_Fan on Mar 24, 2010 11:10 AM EDT reply actions
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