Recent archeological evidence has surfaced that shows Chris Kramer has been lying to us all. He is not a 21 year old senior from Huntington, Indiana but is in fact an immortal human being who has helped mere mortals achieve astounding success. The researchers who discovered this have compiled the following list to show people why Chris Kramer is a mixture of several different kinds of awesome.
Yes, they are in fact that big folks
Beginning of life on Earth
Kramer tasted the Primordial Soup from which life is said to have sprung. When asked about it later Kramer merely replied "Mom’s chicken & stars are way better."
It wasn't the best adapted that survived, it was the ones Chris Kramer didn’t kill and eat.
The invention of fire
Chris Kramer looks at log like he looked into the souls of the Sienna Saints last week and the log spontaneously catches fire.
The Pyramids of Giza
The reason nobody can find archeological evidence of people building the pyramids isn’t because aliens did it, it’s because Kramer built them. He needed something to practice layups against.
David vs Goliath
Prince David asks Kramer for a hand against the giant Goliath. Kramer says "it ain’t no thang" and proceeds to bewilder the giant allowing David to get the kill shot, all without messing up his hair. Did I mention Goliath was a Duke fan? Cause he totally was.
Chris Kramer sinks Atlantis
What? They said Robbie was a role player, they deserved it. Take note ESPN.
The Battle at Thermopylae
People conveniently forget that there were not only 300 Spartans but 1,000 Arcadians and one Chris Kramer. Probably could have left the Spartans at home.
The Middle Ages
Kramer spent most of his time killing dragons and bedding maidens in the Middle Ages, pretty much what a typical Saturday night is for him.
The Printing Press
While working on his half court press Kramer accidently invents the printing press, leading to the proliferation of the written word. Kramer says if he had known then it would lead to hack reporters bashing him and his team later he would have destroyed it.
Discovery of the Americas
Chris Kramer goes swimming and finds a new continent. He calls it Kramerica which is later shortened to America.
Boston Tea Party
Kramer helps to ignite the American Revolution by participating in this daring raid. He claims that Sam Adams got him to help by lying and saying that each box contained an Indiana Hoosiers fan.
The Burning of Atlanta
"I thought it was South Bend" says Kramer
Women’s Voting Rights
Chris convinces President Woodrow Wilson to allow women's suffrage because Kramer loves the ladies. He loves them even more now that they can vote for him for Lowe’s Senior CLASS award
The Atomic Bomb
Originally the plan had been to just drop Chris Kramer on cities but that was found to be a war crime.
CK meets Digger Phelps’s mom and become a father. His son remains a disappointment to him to this day
Who's your daddy Digger?
Chris Kramer helps Chuck Berry to invent rock and roll music. See Back to the Future for a loose interpretation of these events.
Way of the Dragon
In the 1971 film Chris Kramer kills Chuck Norris, ‘nuff said
In 1974 Chris Kramer pens the rock anthem "Freebird" for his pals Lynard Skynard.
Who shot JR?
Chris Kramer, that’s who.
The Cold War
Chris Kramer singlehandedly ends the Cold War by stealing most of the USSR’s nuclear weapons. His 5,472 steals rank first all time in the CIA record books.
The War on Terror
Let’s face it there is only one man who can find bin Laden. That man is Christopher Kramer.
The Secretary of Defense is coming for you sir, better find a deeper cave.